Varanasi Re-learnt

Varanasi Re-learnt

Means: Prostitutes (Raand), Bulls/ Oxen (Saand), Stairways (Seerhi) and Monks (Sanyasi); there is no escape from these in Varanasi.

Even though whole of my childhood, adolescence and a part of young-age have been wasted in Varanasi.

Ahem! Ahem! MSWord’s red wavy line cursing me to rephrase above sentence…so here is “MSWord compatible” version

Even though, I have wasted whole of my childhood, adolescence and a part of young age in Varanasi. I learn new things about Varanasi, every time I visit – apart from above mentioned tetra-invariants.

Dogs per mile, Miles per dog: Train dropped me at Mughalsarai and since Malaviya Bridgewas under repair I had to go to Varanasi through National Highway (NH-2) which adds 30 more kilometers to make it a total 50 km from station to home with 40 km on HIGHWAY.

While on highway I found my interest in dead dogs. They were of two types, Dead and ‘Dead and Flat’ (as in Tom and Jerry).**

Here is the data:

On the way from Mughalsarai to Varanasi: (Morning 10:00 AM)

Dog 1 – Dead and Flat
Dog 2 – Dead and Flat
Dog 3 – Dead
Dog 4 – Dead and Flat

On the way from Varanasi to Mughalsarai: (Evening 04:00 PM)

Dog 4 – Dead and Flat
Dog 3 – Dead
Dog 2 – Dead and Flat
Dog 1 – Dead
Dog 0 – Dead and Flat

Here is the inference:

1. Most of the dogs which die on highways get flat.
2. If it is first and/or last dead dog in your journey on a highway, it have to be ‘Dead and Flat’ one.
3. More dogs die in evening than in morning.
4. Dead dogs never bark, never chase other dog, and never feel bad about dirty truck tyres running over their colorful skin.
5. There is high probability of getting a dead / dead and flat dog in every 10 km of a national highway.
6. Crows are more interested in eating a dead dog than a dead and flat dog. And usually big crows eat dead dog and small crows dead and flat dog.
   

Dainik Jagran Explains: Dainik Jagran, a local newspaper which prints as true news as I speak, expalains the next day that high mortality rate of dogs on roads is due to their mating seasons
[1] and they supported the fact by referring some studies done by a professor of BHU [2].

I wrote to the editor that dogs fuck in mating season not commit suicide. And also mailed to the professor asking why the hell he was interested in dog sex. Was human doing it remained no more interesting?

McD and Multiplex: Varanasi has got two MacDonald’s and two multiplexes in last six months.

‘Someone’ asked ‘Other someone’, “Why are all the ‘Banarasies’ [3] shaking their bum with their mouth shut while watching SRK’s Don?” ‘Other someone' replied, “They all are having McD’s Banarasi Paan while watching changed chhora Ganga Kinaare walaa at new multiplex and keeping their bum plume clean. Do you ever watch cartoons?”

Roads and Language: Both are getting Biharier to Bihariest. More and more people from Bihar are migrating to Varanasi, more and more roads are getting blistered, and more and more Bihari words are being used.

Trend is same in regional songs.

Schwarzenegger to Aranoldwaa: I went to a local pirated-CD shop about one year ago asking whether he had the movie Zumanji. Here is how he replied. (Bhojpuri) ‘Eee Jummaan jee – chummaan jee hum naa rakkhilaa. Aur kahin milbo naa kari.’ (English equivalent) ‘These shitty Joomanjee – Smoochanjee I don’t keep. And you WILL not get it anywhere else.’

One year later same shop. I asked for a newly released Hindi movie. While I was waiting for him to get rid of a customer, a boy of around sixteen came to me (perhaps thinking myself as new assistant of the shopkeeper) and asked for any new movie of ‘Aranoldwaa’. I asked, “Who?” He said, “Don’t you know? Arre, ARNOWWLDWAA yaar. That Fatty… Have you ever seen any AngaRejee Mobhie? ” My jaw dropped down as I was gawking at him.

Soon the shopkeeper returned to the boy and showed him a list of almost hundred English movies which were dubbed in Hindi. To my relief Zumanji was there in the list.

[*] "Dead and Flat": Some dog which die on road remain as they died because people / vehicle don't run over it again and again keeping when-died-3D-structure preserved but some other are not that lucky and once dead people run over them as many time as they can and they loose their death 3D structure by turning themselves into skin thick which looks like road sticking dog's Halloween costume.

We dont see such seen very frequently in our daily lives yet all those, who can afford a TV and still afford a cable connection (and yet afford their children!) in a inflation-o-phile (or Amrika driven) country like India, can see these events in cartoon show named "Tom and Jerry" where at some instant of time when a characted is ran over by a car/ truck or pressed behind the door or comes undes eXtra ordinary load becomes "Flat". Just snach life out of the character and you can see "Dead and Flat".

(On request for a definiton for "Dead and Flat")

[1] http://epaper.jagran.com/main.aspx?edate=3/7/2007&editioncode=40&pageno=3#

[2] http://www.bhu.ac.in

[3] All denizens of princely state of Varanasi.

Clarification: No sir, I don't have an issue with Bihari Junta or Bihar or Laloo Prasad Yadav, it is all what I found there and Innocently reported my POV.

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Genre: Fun, Travel
Type: Personal View
Language: English, Hindi, Bhojpuri
Category: NOT for below 15 yrs

Place and Time: IIT Kharagpur. March 9, 2007. Evening 09:20 PM.