A Part of My Diary

It has been raining all evening and night, and I have been sleeping more than 12 hours a day. I sleep at awkward times and wake up at awkward times and hallucinate … watch movies, see things happening all around me, see clouds, observe what happening and think… and think very strange things.

I believe people hallucinate. They hallucinate in extreme conditions. I have heard of people hallucinating when they are in great danger or when they are in extreme emotional shock. But probably people do hallucinate when they are greatly relaxed, when you trapped in everyday you have nothing to do except your routine work and you want an escape. Dream is one of the parts of hallucination, I believe. You feel the things going on in dream as if they are actually taking place. Dreams usually leave you thinking about what your inner-core of brain or unconscious mind wish of and your current situation deprived of. Be it money, be it peace, be it sex, or just a change in situation.

I watched a movie today namely American History X, it was much about racial hates and hates groups developing in America. If that was the story of the movie, I guess it would never be at a position of rank 50 in IMDB rating. There was another side of this movie which shows personal conflict of ideas among people of a family and story of a caring brother. A person who wanted to control every thing for good of his family but he could not. Situations and chances escaped from his hand like sand in one’s hand. ‘Life is too short to be pissed of.’ perhaps this dialogue makes me clearer.

I assume you must have been enough confused by now, let me correlate the above three paragraphs. During my excessive sleep these days, I am dreaming almost everything happened, going on or will take place in my life. I dream and in dream I retrospect every decision I took. Then I get pissed off, really disturbed and in no mood to talk anybody. Then I think of ................{**Some very personal stuffs were here. I removed them, afterall this is a blog not my diary}.........But in India, a country where people study to get a job you can never respect a genuine person (I wasnt taking about me, for sure!) with different point of view.

I always wish if I could do something for everyone I love, do something to ease their pain they live in, Or perhaps tell them how I feel about them. Here again the word control comes, I do not have control on everything; everything is leaking out of my hand like sand. At this stage I find myself as Derek Vinyard (Edward Norton) of American History X.

The cycle goes on; again I think, observe, dream, try to control and piss off.
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Part of My Diary
May 8, 2006
4:12 AM

Genre: Drama
Type: Very-very personal
Place: IIT Kharagpur